London, Dattebayo?
by Mr. Churchill
Summary: When Konoha is destroyed by portal opening onto Victorian England, Naruto and a host of characters are sucked through to face a challenge far greater than any Ninja mission...
1. Prologue

Chapter I

Narauto strode along the streets of Konoha, showing off his new ninja headband to anyone who would bother a glance, which was few. To those unfortunate few who made eye contact with the young ninja, they were treated to disturbing poses and yells of "Dattebayo!"

He made his annoying way through the streets, irritating everyone around him until he came to his favourite ramen stand, Ichiraku's. He ordered his usual, flashing his headband at the other customers before messily digging into his ramen, splashing it about everywhere. He munched it loudly, splattering the broth all over the counter and in droplets on his orange jumpsuit.

Far above Naruto's disgraceful eating performance, a microscopic and crimson ball fell towards Konoha, plummeting through the air. A bird, flying lazily above the village in the hot noontime sun, was struck by the ball, upon which the bird promptly exploded, and the ball continued downwards toward the village. The ball whistled down, landing in Naruto's ramen.

For a moment, the world went utterly quiet, as if waiting with bated breath to see what occurred next. Then, a bright flash of light and an infinitely loud burst from the bowl, eradicating everything within a 5 mile radius. All the buildings ceased to exist, and most of the people, yet some survived. Not in Konoha, but in an entirely different universe, across the void of time and space...


	2. Chapter I

Chapter I

A Painful Beginning

A crystal palace gleamed above the soot-stained row-houses, a monument to the scientific prowess and engineering skill of the British Empire. It stood in the middle of Exhibition Park, one of the least frequented parks in London at all times of year except the month of May, when the Great London Exhibition opened, and the cobblestone walks were jammed with people viewing the marvels of the Victorian Age, scientific curios from around the world, animals brought back by explorers delving into the unknown jungles of Africa and the Americas, and the latest in military technology showcased by the British Empire.

The date was April 29th, 1871, two days before the opening of the twentieth London Exhibition. Rain poured down on the streets of London, running like rivers in the gutters and soaking those few unfortunate souls who had neglected to bring umbrellas on their outings. The double-decker buses were crammed full of people, due to the wave of foreign visitors arriving in London for the Exhibition trying to sight-see a little before hand. The Metropolitan Police were out in force, as the government was forever suspicious of people who lacked British Papers.

At the Hyde Park Corner Underground Station, in a maintenance tunnel off the rail, something odd was occurring. The wall began to bulge and shine brightly, brilliantly illuminating the tunnel. The bulge in the wall burst, leading to Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi, and Hinata falling out. The wall returned to its' original state, and the five Konoha residents stood, brushing themselves off and attempting to obtain their bearings.

In another part of London, on the Chelsea Embankment, there was a flash of light, and four people dropped out of seemingly thin air. Sasori, Deidara, Kakuzu, and Hidan stood up, brushing themselves off in a very similar matter from all the dust and grime on the Embankment. The four of them stood looking out over the Thames and into the pouring rain. A steamer loomed out of the mist, tooting its' foghorn loudly, startling the Akatsuki, who all jumped. The steamer continued upriver, disappearing from view.

"What?! Where the fuck are we?" yelled Hidan.

"Shut up! Let's get up a bit higher to see where we are! " Kakuzu said, motioning towards some steps leading to the street. The Akatsuki trudged towards the stairs, all still a bit shocked, all still dressed in their strange black robes. Up on the street, a few cabs and a few lorries whizzed by, and a few Londoners walked briskly on the brick sidewalks. One of these Londoners was a very small old woman by the name of Elizabeth Garfield, clutching a shopping basket in her bony fists as she walked. The true London fog had dropped, reducing visibility to as little as 3 feet in some patches. Elizabeth entered one of these patches, suddenly unable to see anything.

The patch cleared up, and the old woman suddenly stiffened. In front of her stood the four Akatsuki, tall and menacing in their dark cloaks.

"Oh!" she exclaimed quietly. She slipped a hand into her shopping basket, withdrawing what appeared to be a perfume bottle. The Akatsuki approached her, towering over her little 5' 4'' frame at six feet.

She pointed the nozzle of the bottle at Deidara's face, giving the air bladder a hard squeeze. The amber liquid inside spurted out, spraying over Deidara's eyes and open mouth. The liquid was pure Ghost Pepper extract, the hottest known pepper in the world. Deidara had only time to blink before his world was pure agony. His eyes burned as if on fire, and the old woman also gave him a hearty kick in the groin before whirling around and spraying the other Akatsuki with the pepper spray. All but Sasori, whose eyes were made of wood, collapsed in agony, clawing at their eyes. Elizabeth hurried away as fast as her legs would take her down the Embankment.

In the maintenance tunnel, Naruto was talking loudly.

"Whoa, what the hell?"

"Naruto, we could be under Konoha! This looks like some of the passages underneath the Four Hokages!" said Sakura.

"No, I've been under Konoha quite a bit, and this is totally different." Kakashi said.

"Told you Sakura!"

"Shut up, Naruto!"

"uh-uh-um, ma-maybe wuh-we ought to find a way out of the tunnel, to see where we are-- Hinata stammered.

"Alright," said Kakashi, sighing heavily. The group walked down the dimly lit maintenance tunnel towards the main railway. As they reached the end of the tunnel, an Underground train zoomed by with a tremendous amount of noise, causing all the Ninjas there to jump, and Naruto felt a small wet spot in his undergarments, causing him to blush furiously.

"See?!" Naruto said angrily. "We have nothing like that thing in Konoha!"

"What was it even? What do you think, Sasuke?" Sakura asked timidly.

Sasuke said nothing, leaving an awkward silence. Sakura sighed, depressed.

"Come on!" Naruto said. The group moved along the rail towards the brightly illuminated platform, which the train was just leaving, again startling the group. Naruto felt the wet spot increase, and he blushed even further. They clambered onto the platform, unaware of the odd looks that the Londoners threw at them.

They certainly were an odd sight, ninjas climbing onto a busy Underground platform in front of nearly one hundred straight-laced Victorian men and women. Sakura especially shocked the Londoners with her short skirt. In a time when a skirt above the ankles was immodest, she wore a skirt that was above her knees, with a slit in the side exposing a pair of shorts, easily mistaken for Victorian undergarments.

A rather large woman in a gigantic crimson dress shrieked when Sakura clambered on to the platform. She immediately began yelling for the police to arrest this "whore, cheating, immodest courtesan" at once.

Sakura blushed furiously, vehement at this talking blob of fat for calling her a whore. She ran at the woman, fists drawn for combat. The woman screamed, and drew out her umbrella, brandishing it like a sword. Sakura rushed blindly on, not realising that the umbrella was packed with solid lead until it clocked her on the side of her head, sending her vision spinning and her to the ground. The woman drew herself up and strode away, her rolls of fat bouncing as she walked.

Sakura stood shakily, rubbing her head furiously.

"Fat bitch," she muttered under her breath. Kakashi, meanwhile, pulled a small grey pellet and tossed at the center of the platform, where it exploded in a cloud of smoke, obscuring everything.

"Come on! Let's get out of here!" Kakashi yelled. All of the ninjas except Naruto began to run back towards the tracks. Naruto, however, panicked and screamed in confusion,

"Whoa! Where are you?"

Kakashi ran over to the obnoxious little blonde, seized him by the collar, and dragged him along with the others. They regrouped in the tunnel, pausing to catch their breath.

"What was with that woman! Saying that I'm a prostitute!" Sakura demanded of the others.

"Well, when we were up there, I noticed that the majority of those women were dressed over-the-top modestly, so compared to them..." Kakashi trailed off, letting the others imagine the sentence's end.

"So... Where the hell are we?" asked Sasuke.

There was a silence, as all the ninjas wondered where on earth they could be.

...

On the Chelsea Embankment, the Akatsuki were barely recovering from the pepper spray attack. Hidan stood up first, swearing violently while smirking in pleasure

"You sick fuck! How the hell can you enjoy that?!" Deidara hissed from the ground, clutching his crotch.

Kakuzu then stood up, growling "Fuck you" as he glared in the direction Elizabeth had scurried off to. Deidara finally summoned the will to rise, leaning heavily on Sasori for support. Sasori gave him a look, but took pity, as they all knew how bad that felt.

"Why don't why try to get out of this god-damn fog?" Kakuzu asked. The others nodded and began to walk along the Embankment.

"Maybe we are in the Mist Village," Deidara suggested.

"No, look at those buildings, you dumb fuck!" Hidan said. Deidara glared at him, conceding that this looked nothing like the Mist Village. They kept hearing noises, strange rumbling and growling coming from the road, and occasionally they would spot a dark shape whizzing by, but none of them could figure out what it was. The fog began to lift, revealing strange, metal, and box-like things with wheels that were moving all on their own. Hidan jumped back from the curb and exclaimed,

"What in the name of Jashin are those things?"

"They appear to be some sort of machine." Sasori mused. Soon, as a result of their black cloaks, people began to stare, whispering things like "Orientals, no doubt." and "One of those secret societies, the type that cause all of London's crime."

"What the hell are you looking at?" Kakuzu growled at a passing businessman who was staring. Sasori rolled his eyes in exasperation.

Walking down the Embankment at the moment was the young Baroness of Gloucester, Lady Bayley Tobiason. She was a kindly soul, although a bit of a rebel, with short and wavy brown hair, a rounded face that was not plump, and a fairly tall frame. She enjoyed taking walks to the less reputable parts of London as an act of defiance to her prim and proper brother, although she always dressed down as so to not get robbed, and carried a revolver in her purse.

She came upon the Akatsuki, and stopped.

"Are you lost?" She asked kindly.

"What's it to you?" Kakuzu asked gruffly, glaring at the 17-year old.

"I didn't mean to offend, I just was wondering if you needed help." Bayley said, backing away and shrinking.

"*sigh* Actually, we would like to know where we are." Sasori said heavily.

"Oh that's easy! You're in Chelsea. On the Embankment, to be more specific."

"Is that the name of this city? Chelsea?"

"Oh! You don't know what city you're in! This is London, Great Britain."

The Akatsuki glared at her suspiciously.

"I've never heard of such a place." Kakuzu said venomously.

"What! You haven't heard of London?" she said, incredulous. "What about the rest of you lot? Have you heard of London?"

"What in the name of Jashin is London?" Hidan demanded of the young Baroness.

"Only the largest and most important city on the planet! Where on Earth have **you **been?"

"That's none of your business." said Kakuzu said, glowering at her.

"Well! Forgive me for asking, Mr. Self-Important."

Hidan threw back his head and laughed in a way that caused all the heads on the street to turn and said, "Wow! This bitch has guts!"

Bayley drew back, shocked. She chuckled though, and said timidly, "Interesting choice of words..." Just as she finished this sentence, a lorry (truck) came speeding down the Chelsea Embankment at speeds far to fast for a crowded street in the middle of a city. It was loaded with fine English ale, and so was the driver! He was swerving horribly, causing the lorry to bounce up and down on its' sides. When it came within twenty feet of the Akatsuki and the Baroness, it overturned and sent a tsunami of beer kegs at them.

…

The Konoha team, meanwhile, was still plodding down the tunnel, jumping every time a train whizzed by.

"We should find a way out of here. I know we're below ground in a foreign land, but that's about it." Kakashi said. The others nodded and continued.

Just then, Naruto noticed a beam of light, slicing through the darkness ahead. Naruto being Naruto, he yelled as loud as he could in his grating tones, "There's light up ahead!"

Everyone else winced, but they were glad to see the light ahead. Kakashi went over to the beam and saw a ladder. He beckoned to the others and began to climb.

...


	3. Chapter II

Chapter 2

An English Noble, a Policeman, and a Drunk Driver Walk Into a Bar...

Kakashi kept going up the ladder towards the circle of cloudy sky above. He poked his head through, glancing about. What he saw shocked him. Hundreds of people scurrying about, cars and lorries shooting by, and even an airship, far above him. He clambered out of the manhole, gaining odd looks from the people walking by.

Next to surface was Sasuke, who jumped back as a car whizzed by, then regained his infamous Uchiha composure, hoping no body had seen that little blip. Sakura followed, gazing in awe at the strange new world around them. Then came Naruto. A car sped by, frightening him so much that he yelled,

"Holy Shit!" and fell back into the manhole, on top of Hinata, who fainted and released her grip on the ladder, and the two of them fell the thirty feet back down to the Underground Tunnel. They fortunately landed on a large pile of rubbish that cushioned their impact. Naruto swore violently for a straight minute before getting off of Hinata and climbing back up the ladder without offering help to Hinata.

"You son of a bitch!" Sakura yelled, crimson with fury. "Help her you dumb-ass!"

"Okay! Okay!" Naruto yelled back.

Naruto proceeded to climb down the ladder to the tunnel floor. He lifted Hinata off the ground and slung her over his shoulder, then jumped thirty feet up to the top of the manhole and ten more feet above ground level, drawing the eye of everyone on the street. When they landed, Sasuke said to Naruto,

"Naruto, you're such a _dobe_."

"Police! Arrest that woman!" a voice yelled. The group whirled to see who it was. A face with strong features, thin lips, a regal-looking brow, slightly olive skin, and dirty blonde hair stood out from the crowd. He was accompanied by a small contingent of the Metropolitan Police, who cleared their way through the thick crowds towards the group of ninjas.

"Why are you arresting me?!" Sakura yelled.

"For prostitution, immodest dress, and disturbing the peace!" The man yelled. He was dressed in a snappy, black, and button-up coat, a black bowler hat, and black boots. His name was Lord Larke Tobiason, twin brother of Baroness Tobiason, and he was one of the richest men in England at only age 17.

"I am not a prostitute! And this is not immodest!" Sakura protested loudly.

"You are and that is the most scandalous thing I have ever seen on a woman here in England!" he said firmly. A policeman came up behind her and grabbed her arms, pinning them to her back and handcuffing her.

"And you lot! Three men and two women! That's disgusting! I ought to have you lot arrested as well!"

…

The beer kegs rumbled towards Lady Bayley, who froze out of shock and fright. Three of the Akatsuki were perfectly content to see her flat as a pancake under all those barrels, but Hidan lunged at her and grabbed her around the high chest region and ran her to safety, making sure to keep a tight grip on her, if you know what I mean.

The beer kegs mostly rolled off of the Chelsea Embankment into the Thames. Hidan released his grip on the Baroness, slowly trailing his fingers as his arms fell away. The Baroness was still shocked, as much from the groping as the beer tsunami.

Bayley decided to ignore the groping, perhaps thinking that Hidan had no other option than to grab her by her breasts. She turned and thanked him profusely, blushing furiously. Hidan smirked and said,

"You're welcome," his eyes locked firmly below her head and above her waist. You can guess where he was looking.

"He didn't." Deidara stared on in disbelief at Hidan, refusing to believe that he had completely gotten away with the obvious feeling up he had just subjected the baroness to.

"He did," replied Kakuzu, all too familiar with Hidan's less-than-innocent habits.

"Just so you know, my name is Bayley Tobiason. What's yours?"

"Hidan." he said in an attempt to be suave.

"Deidara." Deidara said grumpily.

"Kakuzu." Kakuzu said, glaring at Hidan.

"Sasori." Sasori said in a bored tone.

"You know, if you need someone to guide you around London, I'm perfectly willing to," said the Baroness.

"Really? Sounds great!" Hidan said a little too enthusiastically, pre-empting any other response from the other three Akatsuki.

"Great! Follow me!" she said as she walked down the Embankment.

…

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't have your miserable behinds hauled down to Scotland Yard!" Lord Tobiason bellowed at the ninjas. His naturally blushed face was blood red with fury.

"Because we have no idea where Scotland Yard is, and we have a young girl that's fainted. There's a couple good ones for you." Kakashi said.

"You probably knocked the girl out yourself to have your perverted way with her! And Scotland Yard is the headquarters of the London Police, everyone knows that."

"London, where's that?" Kakashi asked.

"Ha! Very funny, wise guy."

"I'm serious. Where's London?"

The young noble was perplexed. "Where's London? Where's London? My dear fellow, you're in London! Who doesn't know about London?"

"None of us do, you idiot!" Naruto yelled. Lord Tobiason motioned with his crimson-gloved hand, and a policeman cracked Naruto over the head with his baton.

"Ow!"

"Naruto, shut up!" Kakashi said. "We come from a village named Konoha." When that failed to illicit a response from Larke, he prompted "Fire Nation?"

"What the bloody hell is the 'Fire Nation'?"

"Well, for one thing, it's where we come from, and for another, it's very far from here." Kakashi said. He then looked at Sakura and said, "For instance, what she is wearing would be considered perfectly normal there."

Larke drew back in shock. "Normal? Such exposure is normal?"

"That's hardly considered exposure. Exposure there is something that only covers the **most** essential parts."

"Oh my god! How do men control themselves in your country?"

"Good question."

"You lot better come with me. My car's just over there, and in it there should be some smelling salts for the young lady here."

"Thank you very much," Kakashi said, nodding his thanks.

"What about me! I've still got these handcuffs on!" Sakura yelled in protest. Lord Tobiason gestured at the policeman and he unlocked and removed the cuffs. All of them followed Larke to his elegant car and piled in the back, though they were rather unnerved by the experience. Larke tapped his walking stick on the floor, and the driver started up the car, causing all the ninjas to give a start.

"What's the matter? Never ridden in a car before?" Larke said in a jovial manner. He just got blank stares in return. "Oh! You really never been in a car before!"

"Where to, Master Larke?" the driver asked.

"St. James' Palace, my good man."

Naruto, who had a biological need to open his fat mouth every five minutes, asked in grating tones, "What were you doing driving around?"

"I was searching for my twin sister, who has a tendency to go on unannounced walks to the less reputable parts of London. **Alone**." Larke said, visibly irritated at the mere thought of it. The car made its' way through the maze of London's streets and lanes towards St. James' Palace, the town home of the Tobiason family since the Royal Family took up residence in Buckingham Palace in 1837.

…

"So where exactly are we going again, un?" Deidara tentatively asked after a few minutes of walking.

"My family's home in London, St. James' Palace." Bayley said.

"Palace?" Kakuzu asked. 'That sounds like money...' He thought to himself.

"Yes! The former home of the Royal Family in fact! They gave it to us as a present after they moved to their new palace down the road."

"Just down the road?" Kakuzu asked.

"Yeah! I can give you a tour if you want! The Queen's my aunt!"

"The Queen? Is she powerful? And wealthy?"

"Well of course! She owns one fourth of the world, after all."

"And are you two close?"

"Oh yeah! We have tea every Tuesday!"

Kakuzu couldn't resist rubbing his hands together in a sinister fashion. His brain whirred in the making of a kidnapping plot. Sasori seemed to notice and moved closer to Kakuzu.

"Getting ideas?" he murmured quietly.

"You have no idea."

They kept up a brisk pace until they reached the intersection of Sloane Street and Knightsbridge, when Kakuzu laid a hand on Bayley's shoulder. She turned around with a beaming smile on her face, asking

"Did you need something?"

"Yeah. Where's the nearest secluded spot?"

"Oh no... She really shouldn't have mentioned the whole "Queen" thing." Deidara muttered.

"There's a lovely little alley that's almost always deserted right up the street! Follow me!" Bayley said, beaming brightly. Kakuzu began to wonder if there was anything behind that smile.

They followed her up to a small brick arch protruding into the walk, which she entered. There was a bend almost immediately inside the arch which took them in a dark alley with absolutely zero view from the street.

"So what did you need to do in here again?" Bayley asked, suspecting nothing.

"You!" Hidan said, lust in his eyes. He rushed at her, but Deidara tackled him to the ground.

"You'd really do that in front of us?" Sasori asked coldly as Deidara and Hidan wrestled on the ground.

"Good night, your grace!" Kakuzu said as he squeezed the back of her neck, causing her to pass out. He then tied her up with the strings now flowing from the stitches at his joints and slung her over his shoulder. "We've got to deliver a ransom note to the Queen!"

…


	4. Chapter III

Chapter III

A Bunch of Furious Bigwigs

St. James Palace stood imposing above the Pall Mall, dominating the street. Lord Tobiason's car pulled into the drive, heralded by trumpeters posted on both sides of the gateway to the inner courtyard. The car pulled up to the steps, and the driver exited and opened the door for Larke and the ninjas. Larke exited first, briskly mounting the steps, followed by first Kakashi, then Sakura, then Hinata, then Sasuke, and finally Naruto.

Upon seeing Sakura, the old butler at the door said to Larke,

"I was unaware that Lord Tobiason utilised the services of such women."

"She's not a whore, she's just an Oriental. That's traditional dress for them. Please, get the lot of them proper clothing, James."

"Yes sir. I shall depart for Harrods as soon as the measurements are taken."

"Very good. Have the cook send some Jasmine tea to my parlour, along with some rice cakes."

"Yes sir. Will that be all?"

"Yes, thank you James."

Larke continued up the stairs to his personal apartments, in which there was a beautifully ornamented parlour which he bade the ninjas to sit. A woman in an electric blue dress came up to measure their clothes sizes, and when she was finished, she hurriedly departed.

The Jasmine tea and the rice cakes were brought up in fine Korean porcelain cups and dishes, and they all partook of the meal.

"So..." Sakura tried to start a conversation. "What exactly is so immodest about my clothing anyway? I don't understand."

"Your shorts look like ladies undergarments."

"What? These aren't my underwear! I swear!"

"My god! Do your undergarments cover anything? Or is it just a piece of string?"

"Underwear covers exactly what it needs to cover, nothing more! And certainly nothing less, not mine anyway!" she blushed, realising she was talking about her own underwear in front of quite a few men, including Sasuke.

"This is a most inappropriate conversation for a gentlemen of my stature to partake in. Please change the subject." Larke said.

"How on Earth did you get to your status at such a young age?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, when I was thirteen, my father passed away and my mother couldn't handle her grief. She's locked up in a madhouse now, and me and my sister run our family estate. Well, I do most of the work since she seems to enjoy spending her time with London's ne'er-do-wells. Anyway, when my mum was institutionalised, we inherited 40,000 pounds, a considerable fortune. I immediately set about expanding the family wealth by buying up steamships, airships, and rail lines, forming the Imperial Transit Company when I was only fourteen. Since then, our annual income works out to be about 1 million pounds, so I currently hold assets worth 12 million pounds." Larke took a long sip of his Jasmine, his eyes glossy with remembrance of his rise to power.

"wuh-wuh-wow. Yu-you certainly have gone a long ways," Hinata said shyly.

"Thank you, Ms... Oh! I haven't introduced myself! I am Lord Larke Gregory Tobiason, Heir to the Duchy of Gloucestershire and President and Chairman of the Imperial Transit Company. You are?"

"My name is Kakashi Hatake. These are my ninjas. I teach them. They're my students, really, except for Ms. Hyuuga here." He said as he nodded towards Hinata.

"Ah! Ms. Hyuuga, Mr. Hatake, a pleasure to meet you." Larke said.

Naruto cut in "Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm gonna be Hokage! Believe it!"

Larke nodded, dismay evident on his face. "Hokage? I'm unfamiliar with the term."

"That's the most powerful ninja in the village, whose like the boss of everyone!" Naruto exclaimed.

Larke again nodded politely, groaning inwardly. He turned to Sakura and asked "And you are...?"

"Oh! My name is Sakura Haruno!" Sakura said quickly.

"A pleasure to meet you, Ms. Haruno," he said, inclining his head towards her. "One last introduction. You are?" He asked Sasuke.

"Sasuke Uchiha." Sasuke answered sullenly.

"Well! Very good, very good! All the introductions are taken care of! Now, Mr. Hatake, you said something that rather puzzled me. Ninjas?"

"You don't know what ninjas are? Don't you have any?"

"No and no."

"Ninjas are.. well we're... you see we... are especially trained since our youth, seven or eight normally, ending at age twelve. We're trained to carry out missions for our village, our villages, you see, take missions from people all over the countries, who pay money to do what ever they ask. Depending on the difficulty of the task, it is given a rank, and depending on the rank, different ninjas are assigned to the task depending on their skill. They use techniques that involve chakra to carry out the task." Kakashi said.

"Oh! You lot sound like mercenaries!"

"Well we don't just kill people. Though we would if paid enough." Kakashi responded.

"Mercenaries." Larke said. "See, here we use armies to defend our countries with guns."

"Guns? What's that?" Kakashi asked.

"Well, guns are used to kill other people. You pick up one, press the trigger, and it basically detonates a tiny bomb behind a metal pellet. The pellet shoots out of the barrel of the gun at high speed and strikes its' target, burying deep into flesh and bone and its' usually fatal."

"Where exactly can I get one of these.. guns?" Sasuke asked intently.

"Oh, they're illegal for anyone outside of the military or the government to own."

"Damn." Sasuke said under his breath.

…

Sasori managed to break up the fight between Deidara and Hidan, who both rose to their feet. Hidan yelled at Deidara,

"What the fuck dude! I wanted to fuck her!"

"I didn't want to watch!"

"SHUT UP!" Kakuzu yelled. "I have to find out how to get to Buckingham Palace, so go out into the fucking street and ask! One of you go!"

"Okay! If I can get away from that crazy sex addict, I'm all for it!" Deidara said as he stormed out of the alleyway towards Knightsbridge. He grabbed a passing worker by the shoulder and demanded, "How do I get to Buckingham Palace from here?"

"Oi! Let go of me shoulder and I'll tell ye!" The man said in a thick Scottish accent. "It's jist down this here street a few blocks, off towards the right in the middle of all those parks and gardens. It's the huge structure with the yellow walls and a dark roof."

Deidara let go of the man and re-entered the alleyway.

"Kakuzu! It's down the road! Big thing, all yellow bricks with a dark-coloured roof, and in the middle of a bunch of gardens. Can you find it?"

"Yes. I'll meet you back here in ten minutes!" He bounded off over the rooftops towards Buckingham Palace, leaving the others behind. He jumped from roof to roof until he came to the terminus of the buildings on that road and jumped down into the Buckingham Palace Gardens.

Kakuzu crept slowly along the outer wall towards the palace, careful not to be spotted by the Beefeater guards posted all around the gardens. When he finally reached the palace, he jumped onto the roof and began to scurry towards an open skylight.

He dropped in the skylight, landing softly on a carpeted floor. The room in which he landed was a parlour of some sort, totally deserted. The room was beautifully decorated, with a theme of gold-wrought furniture and white upholstery. The door to the next room was slightly ajar, revealing a maid in a long black dress tidying up after some sort of tea party.

Kakuzu rushed through the door and seized the maid by her arms, pinning them behind her back.

"Where's the Queen?" he demanded of the frightened brunette.

"Sh-sh-she just went buh-buh-back to her chambers," the maid said, her voice shaking with fear.

"You're going to lead me to her. You got that?" Kakuzu said, letting one of his body strings twist around the maid's neck.

"yes." she said in a very quiet voice.

"Yes what?"

"Yes sir."

"There we go. Now move!"

The two of them moved quickly through a quick succession of parlours, tea rooms, dining rooms, and living rooms until reaching an imposing double door, fashioned of mahogany and lined with gold.

"Open it!" Kakuzu said, keeping one of his strings wrapped tightly round her neck. She nodded and walked over to the doors, lightly tapping on them before opening, saying,

"Your Majesty? Some one to see you."

"Why was I not informed before hand? It is most improper to just 'drop by' Buckingham Palace!" an imperious voice said.

"It's rather important!" the maid said in a high-pitched voice as the string began to tighten.

"Who is it?"

"I really don't know!" the maid squeaked as the string began to cut off her circulation.

"An unannounced visitor who announces themselves through the maid! I cannot believe-" the Queen said as she opened the door. She saw Kakuzu and said simply "oh."

Kakuzu chuckled. "'oh' indeed."

"What do you want? If you seek to kill me, the Queen of Great Britain and the British Empire, and the Empress of India, you will have a fourth of the world devoted to your demise." Queen Victoria said defiantly.

"I don't seek to kill you, I simply wish to know if you seek to save a life. A young- niece of yours, I think she said?"

The expression on the Queen's face was one of utter revulsion and dismay.

"Not Bayley!"

"Yes, Bayley. I want 10,000 ingots of gold for her safe return. To be delivered to the brick alley on Knightsbridge in three weeks. Otherwise..." he said, an evil smile upon his face. "I'll do this!" he said as the string tightened around the poor maid's neck, rupturing her jugular vein and causing blood to spurt all over the Queen. The maid fell motionless to the floor, her blood pooling on the already vermilion carpet. Kakuzu smiled and took off, hurtling out of an open window.

The queen fell to her knees, sobbing over the maid's body. She had been a close friend of the queen, and Victoria had confided in her many times. The sight of the dignified old queen on her knees sobbing over a servant was humbling, as the first servant to come upon them discovered.

"Your Majesty! Are you hurt?" the Butler asked, dropping his silver tray of tea and crumpets and rushing over to her.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," she said, regaining her legendary composure. She straightened up, and said to the butler, "Get someone to remove Ms. April's body and clean up the blood, and fetch my chambermaids, I need to get changed."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"Oh, get the Prime Minister and Lord Tobiason on the phone. I should inform them of the demand the murderer made."

"Yes, Ma'am."

…

A butler hurriedly trotted into the parlour where Lord Tobiason was having his tea.

"Yes, James?"

"Two things sir. One, I'm back from Harrods and there is proper clothing awaiting your guests in the rooms, and two, Buckingham Palace just called, they're on the phone right now and they say it's urgent."

"Okay, I'll take the call in my study. Get a maid or a servant for each one of my guests to help them with their clothing."

"Yes sir."

Lord Tobiason briskly walked off towards his study, wondering what would prompt an urgent phone call. A matter of state security? No, I would not be the first informed about that. Something to do with my sister? Almost certainly. They probably found her body floating in the Thames. Damn.

Larke walked over to the gilded mahogany desk and picked up the silver telephone.

"Hello? Lord Tobiason here."

"Larke? I have less than good news," Queen Victoria said.

"What is it, Aunt Victoria?"

"It's about your sister.."

"Damn! Which section of the Thames?"

"What?"

"You found her dead body somewhere in the Thames, didn't you!"

"Oh no, she's just being held hostage by a psychotic Oriental."

"Oh! Well at least she's alive."

"Only for three weeks, unless we give them 10,000 gold ingots."

"And we confirmed that she's with them?"

"We've put a missing persons report out for her, but so far there's been no sighting."

"Damn. Has the Prime Minister been informed?"

"Yes, I just finished a call with him. He's deploying the Royal Marines around London's perimeter and at all the major railway stations and Underground Platforms. If she tries to leave the city, we'll have her."

"We really ought to deploy the Royal Air Marines at Heathrow and Victoria Tower, to search outgoing and incoming airships."

"True. I'll call Commander Iverson right away."

"Thank you, Aunt Victoria."

"You're welcome."


End file.
